Me. At least after what I've been through.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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