I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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