So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love having hate sex.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
