Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
