I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
