i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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