i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
