Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
