You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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