I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
