hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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