She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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