how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
