Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
