i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
