True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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