my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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