I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize