my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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