You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
