I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
