Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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