wakey wakey hands off snakey
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
