i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
