I just gift wrapped bread.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
