do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
