It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
