DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
