I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize