my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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