the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
organizing the empties. That sober.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
