I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
