I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
