My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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