with your own penis?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You are the jesus of drinking
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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