He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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