I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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