The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
