What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
