Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
