I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
