tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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