I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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