Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
