I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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