so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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