if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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