You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
