I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who died my cat blue again?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
