Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
