It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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