oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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