smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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