Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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