Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
