how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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