gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
