Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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