she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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