My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
my poor anus
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
