Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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