I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
