Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
