Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize